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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It annoys my close ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.